I started knitting about two years ago. There’s an uninteresting story about how I taught myself the basic stitches a few years before that that I always feel obligated to mention, but really, I started knitting about two years ago, just before my second son was born. Don’t believe me?
One of the first things I ever knit on top of the second person I ever made.
Anyway, so I’ve been knitting since then, and it’s been a lot of fun but you know something? Turns out knitting is a lot of work. There’s a lot to remember, there’s increases and decreases and yarn overs, and your fingers sometimes ache, and omgyoucouldgetcarpaltunnel, and have *you* ever tried to read a knitting chart? I knit, and I don’t even understand them. Do you know what to do when you drop a stitch? Can you keep track of 17 different colors of yarn at once? All those little old ladies out there churning out ugly Christmas sweaters? ARE INSANELY TALENTED AND YOU SHOULD BOW DOWN BEFORE THEM OR AT LEAST REHEAT THEIR COFFEE SO THEY DON’T HAVE TO BREAK THEIR CONCENTRATION BY GETTING UP.
This is my latest project. It's pretty.
People love to admire knitting and say things like “Oh, I wish I could do that” or “Oh, I would never have the patience!” And I, like many knitters, will say something wishy-washy in return like “Oh, sure you could! It’s easy!”
People. IT IS NOT EASY. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not the super collider or something, but case in point: that pretty pink scarf I’m working on? I’m no knitting n00b, but I calculate I am knitting its lace pattern about one inch per hour. It will measure approximately 60 inches by the time I am done. For the math-challenged among you, that means I should be done just in time for this super collider to destroy us all. (Undaunted? pattern and rav link.)
My other current knitting project
But knitting IS easy. All you need to learn is a knit and purl (which is just a knit backwards), and you’re on your way. There are honestly only two stitches in all of knitting. The wide variation and versatility of knitwear comes in what you do with them. BUT.
Some knitting is so easy IT ACTUALLY BECOMES A CHALLENGE. That rainbow of colors up there? Is one of the simplest knitting patterns–if you could even call it a pattern–of all time. Literally, knitpurlknitpurlknitpurlknitpurl until you run out of yarn. I haven’t calculated, but I can probably knit it about a million times faster than that pink lace scarf. And yet, I have been working on it since NOVEMBER. The problem is the pattern is so simple I can’t knit it for more than 20 minutes at a time. I know the colors make it look complicated, and that’s part of its appeal, and it makes all you non-knitters pee your pants in awe. But in reality, the yarn is doing all the work. (Short version: You take two self-striping yarns and alternate yarns every two rows. If you don’t knit, you’re probably thinking you’d rather build a super collider, but you will have to take my word for it. Like, if you are a physicist, it’s like if you drop a pound of lead and a pound of feathers from the Leaning Tower of Pisa, which one will fall faster? BASICS.)
Anyway, the thing is, it’s so fucking simple, it makes me want to pull my hair out. It bores me before I even pick it up. Only the pretty colors keep me going. Knitting an entire scarf is a test of ENDURANCE, people. If you’re not careful, you could go crazy or wind up with a half-finished scarf mocking your inability to finish what you’ve started. Your loved ones will roll their eyes at you! YOU CAN’T EVEN FINISH A SCARF.
So my point, however poorly made, is that knitting is not easy, not hard, mind-numbingly simple, and frighteningly difficult ALL AT ONCE. (Fit that in your super collider!) If it was crazy complicated, it never would have become as popular and widespread as it has (how many super colliders have you built??? and your grandma?), nor would people have been doing it for as long as they have. And stupid people do it all the time (though for the record, they probably do it very poorly and/or they choose bad colors). So yes, you *could* learn to do it, if you “had the time” or “had the patience.” But you don’t, which is my other point. Your loss. You almost had something RAD to brag about.
More yarn for me!!
P.S. Are you disappointed this post did not contain a pattern for a super collider? Me too.